If human beings can mess something up, they will. What follows is a tongue-in-cheek "Guide" to the High Holidays of Rosh HaShana (the New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement).
[Purportedly, a serious letter from a congregational board to all members:]
SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern
over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place
you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of
interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
___ The cantor's wife/husband
___ The cantor's wife/husband's voice
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's "secretary"
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ Presidential Election
___ Sex (Preference:______________________)
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___Other:_______________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free
professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a
Jewish one]
___Other:____________________________
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Where no one on the bimah (raised stage in front of the cabinet holding a scroll or scrolls of Torah, from which the services are led) can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during
services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon
[additional charge]
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza (curtain
separating the sexes)
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's
spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider
joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge: $________________________
Prayer
Dear Lord:
May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our
psychiatrist,
our opthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroenterologist, our
urologist,
our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber and the
IRS.
May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our abs, our honey cakes, and
our
stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our
cholesterol, our white bood count, our weight and our mortgage interest
rates
not rise.
May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour
in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a parking space.
May we all relax about the third millennium of the common era, and
realize that we still have 239 years until the dawn of the sixth
millennium
of the Hebrew calendar by which time the computer will be long since
obsolete
and so will we.
May we be awe-struck by G-d's sense of humor as we realize that he
really does not want us to touch our toes while exercising or he would
have
put them further up our bodies; and, the reason so many of us take up
jogging
is to hear heavy breathing again.
May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us,
delight them.
May someone, as well as G-d, love us enough to forgive our faults, be
blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.
May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us.
May
our checkbooks and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts
for
charity.
May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse,
our child, our parent, all of our significant others but not our boss,
our
intern, our nurse, our masseur, our hairdresser or our tennis
instructor.
And may the Messiah come this year, and if he does not, may we live as
if he has, in a world at peace, with awareness of G-d's love in every
sunset,
flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat
of
our heart. May we smile and laugh throughout the year.
L'Shana Tova (For a good year!)
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich.
[This ceremony first appeared during Europe's Middle Ages. Many Jewish thinkers, then and now, regard it as "not Jewish." Other people regard it as holy. It is, after all, a fairly old practice - and therefore "a Tradition."]
Some Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to
pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically,
the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should
be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be
most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:
For ordinary sins
White Bread
For erotic sins
French Bread
For particularly dark sins
Pumpernickel
For complex sins
Multi-Grain
For twisted sins
Pretzels
For tasteless sins
Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision
Waffles
For sins committed in haste
Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah
Fresh Bread
For substance abuse
Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs
Poppy Seed bread
For petty larceny
Stollen
For committing auto theft
Caraway bread
For timidity/cowardice
Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness
Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity
Nut Bread
For not giving full value
Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism
Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony
Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances
Hero Bread
For telling bad jokes/puns
Corn Bread
For war-mongering
Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly
Tarts
For causing injury to others
Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity
Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles
Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes
Crackers
For sophisticated racism
Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou
Bagels (bagels/holes)
For abrasiveness
Grits
For dropping in without notice
Popovers
For over-eating
Stuffing
For impetuosity
Quick Bread
For indecent photography
Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often
Challah
For pride and egotism
Puff Pastry
For being overly smothering
Angel Food Cake
For laziness
Any long loaf
For trashing the environment
Dumplings
For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we
suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades
(Taslich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at
your favorite Jewish bookstore.
